I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
