she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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