I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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