I'm eating all of the evidence.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
zippers are such a cool invention
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize