Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Alive.
So much puke
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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