I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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