Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
