my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Green mimosas i think yes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
