i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
