He asked to "fluff my boner.."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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