I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
