im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
