last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
