I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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