I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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