got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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