What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
