there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if only i could text you this smell
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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