I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I enjoy the company of your penis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
