your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
