In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
