You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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