FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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