So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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