The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
