I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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