Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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