my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You don't make any sense
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