I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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