The maid of honor just puked.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
