Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize