Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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