You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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