Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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