i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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