If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
