omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
