Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
