Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
