i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
