woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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