I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
