i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
