im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
