She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
