The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Randomize
