i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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