tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize