i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
