Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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