Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
