Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's official drugs can't kill me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
