next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
