My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
