Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
