I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
