if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and she was petting her beer can
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
