I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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