Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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