She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
